In an age where there is much talk about "being yourself," I reserve to myself the right to forget about being myself, since in any case there is very little chance of my being anybody else. ~ Thomas Merton
The day is growing steadily darker with cloud, and a stiff breeze kicks up. Birds are making a racket at the feeder. My bare feet feel cold, windows still open to let in fresh air. When the temps got hot last week, I considered taking the comforter off of my bed, and then remembered that it's May, a month that opened with snow this year, and it's not summer yet. Memorial Day here is often chilly, and that's yet to come.
(Rumble of thunder; birds twitter louder.)
When I was a kid, I was told I was "moody," and of course that didn't stop when I was in my teens. Sometimes I think I'm still moody, but I don't really know what that means. I started taking an antidepressant when menopause tried to kill me 20 years ago. The medication didn't stop me from having "moods"; I can still drop into weepiness from out of nowhere, can still feel like life is crappy, even though mine isn't. I was much moodier when I still listened to NPR driving to work or watched the evening news, though "moody" doesn't really describe the anger bordering on rage I could feel. I still get angry, but not as often, and much less often over things I can't control, like the weather.
(Rain. Not heavy, just light rain pattering on the sidewalk.)
The other day as I was coming out of the grocery store, the sun was shining and rain was falling. That happens here sometimes: sunshine and rain. Just now rain is falling out of a darkly cloudy sky and the stiff breeze has stopped. I like the unexpected. I like big thunderstorms and big dark sky and the whoosh of a sudden wind and the flapping of the patio umbrella threatening to take off.
Maybe I'm not moody at all. Maybe I'm just a self of many moods, keeping myself entertained. You know how when you're about to try something new and you're scared and someone says, "Just be yourself"? What does that mean?
(Sun breaking through dark clouds and lighting up the wet trees. No birds. No wind.)